Well hey there, readers! This evening marks the beginning of Purim! For those unfamiliar with this Jewish holiday, here’s the rundown:
The Book of Esther tells a story of how a mean, old nasty, vizier, named Haman, wanted to destroy all Jewish people who lived in his kingdom.
I guess the King didn’t think much of wriping out an entire race because his reaction was pretty much, “Yeah, whatev’s.”
Haman decides to cast lots to determine which day he would carry this out. It’s too hard to plot that crap out. Genocide is a lot of work as it is. Incidentally, lots were called ‘Purim’, and that’s where the holiday gets it’s name.
Well, a guy named Mordecai, who I’m pretty sure was super hot, discovers Haman’s plan. He tells it to the queen, Esther. Esther is Jewish, so she’s all, “Aw, hell no.” Through trickery and a couple of tasty banquets, Esther reveals that she is Jewish in front of everyone.
The King, who, I guess, never had this talk with his wife before, was all, “WTF?!?” and decides to kill Haman instead. Poetic justice is served, as the King hangs Haman on the gallows he build for our sexy,sexy hero, Mordecai.
For the whole abridged story, check out the article on the Book of Esther on Wikipedia. If you’re really super curious, check out the Book of Esther itself.
Common observances on Purim include reading the Book of Esther, giving others food gifts, being charitable to the needy, and a festival meal! At this festive meal you are encouraged to dress up and make all sorts of noise, also get drunk. The holiday is sometimes known as “Jewish Halloween”, but there’s really not a whole lot of similarity outside the encouragement to wear costumes.
Tradition also includes making hamantaschen!!
These hamantaschen are meant to represent the fall of Haman, and either symbolize his ear or his hat, depending on who you ask. However, hamantaschen don’t have to be just for Purim! On days other than Purim, imagine they are Romulan ears and you’ve just saved the Enterprise from yet ANOTHER takeover. Go you! Carry that feeling with you, and you’ll be in the spirit of Purim!
TLDR: Haman tried to kill all the Jewish people in his kingdom. The Jews went, “LOL!!!!” We now eat cookies shaped like his ear/hat. Romulans suck!
Now that’s out of way, let’s get to the fun stuff! I am not much of a chef, which is why I have an Elder god that helps me bake. One of my biggest downfalls in baking is that I’m impatient, especially when I’m waiting for something as tasty as hamantaschen,
I want the recipe done yesterday! So my friend helped me come up with this recipe a few years ago and it has been my default hamantaschen recipe ever since.
Most Jewish grandmothers won’t agree with my method, but it gets the cookie out of the stove and into your mouth much faster!
So without further adieu, here is Cthulhu Cooks with the laziest hamantaschen recipe you will ever see!
Components of your Concoction:
- Pre-made minion dough(it’s actually pie crust)
- Whatever flavor pie filling/almond paste/shenangians you want to put in your hamantaschen. Pictured are lemon curd and strawberry, but you can use whatever makes you happy!
- Preheat your cooking contraption to 450°
- Find a flat surface to work on and roll out your tasty minion dough.
- Find a shapely container that will leave you with a tiny circle cut-out.
Elder gods don’t believe in things like cookie cutters…
- Make as many cut outs as you want cookies.
- Place on greased cookie pan and stop to make jokes about how you made a face in the dough.
“Look! He’s scared of me just like he should be! Bwa ha ha ha!”
- Fill, but don’t over fill, with your filling of choice.
- Don’t be afraid to get creative!
- Fold them into tri-corner hat shapes(or vaginas) by squeezing into a triangle shape.
“Adding blueberry to the lemon! It could come out green, and that is the color of me!”
- Laugh as your roommates get increasingly pissed that they cannot eat the hamantaschen!
“Ha ha ha ha! Stupid kitten! You should have made the life choice to be an elder god instead of a kitten! Now your life is ruined!”
- After all that is done, place your hamantaschen into your cooking contraption for approximately 10 minutes.
- Enjoy a beer while you wait! It’s Purim after all!
- Take them out and let them cool!
- No really, let them cool!
- Don’t stick it into your mouth right away! That pie filling is hot!
- Stop, stop, stop! I SAID LET IT COOL!
- Dumb ass.
- Share with friends and your grandma! Bask in glory as they are impressed by your lazy hamantaschen!
Rating: Fit for my tentacles!!