OMG!!!! My Mood Changed! Disorder!


OMG!!!! My mood changed! Disorder

Shifts in moods ranging from “good” to “bad” are observed over a period of time. Attention to personal matters or past traumas plays no part in the diagnosis of this disease. If this person’s mood changed within your recent memory of them, then they clearly have this disorder and it should be dealt with immediately. Untreated OMG!!!! My mood changed! Disorder will lead to way too many talks about feelings. If you live or know someone who expresses their mood and it’s not the same every second of every day, you cannot possibly have a functional relationship with this person.

During the period of mood disturbance, this behavior must be present during your time knowing them:

(1) Person expresses feeling happy.

(2) Person expresses feeling lazy.

(3) Person expresses a bright future and big dreams.

(4) Person expresses nervousness.

(5) Person exhibits stubborn behavior, and is unwilling to compromise.

(6) Person expresses feeling sad.

(7) Person expresses feeling solitary or tired.

(8) Person expresses a lack of patience or becomes overwhelmed.

(9) Person gets in an argument with someone they’re close to.

(10) Person expresses excitement and becomes extremely focused.

People with OMG!!!! My mood changed! Disorder clearly express too much. They will often relay feelings related to the mood they are currently feeling. This sometimes leads to you feeling like they’re a completely different person. If their mood does more than stay the same all the time, this is cause for concern. If their life is unstable or chaotic, you shouldn’t worry about this. This doesn’t matter. Clearly it’s just more important to get them on medication. Expressing too much is clearly dangerous.

Specify if:

Type I: They are more positive and excited by life than they should be at times and more mellow at others.

Type II: If their excitement isn’t completely baffling to you, and they seem to be depressed sometimes too.

Cyclothymia: They’re not quite as excitable as Type I, but not quite as depressed as Type II.

NOS: You’re not really sure what’s going on. You’re just sure you don’t really like it.

Treatment: Currently, the best treatment for OMG!!!! My mood changed! Disorder is heavy doses of medication. It’s really just best to remove any and all feeling from this person. Clearly all this conveying and feeling of emotion is just out of control.

Prognosis: Prognosis depends on whether or not the medicine makes the person feel nothing or a little. If they feel a little, make sure they make lots of visits to therapists and doctors. It’s important that in order to handle this condition, you monitor the person’s every mood. If you notice them expressing a mood that was different from yesterday, you should be very concerned and make certain this person is staying on their meds. Removing all expressing or feeling of emotions is really the only way this person can expect to function in society.

I’m friends with the monster inside of my head…


It’s Mental Health Awareness month, and I’ve read a lot of really good articles about people opening up about their mental health challenges, laying it all out so that people know that they’re not alone. It’s gotten me thinking about my stuff. It’s reminded me that I’m *not* alone.

It took me a moment to see it, but I’ve been depressed.

I’ve been depressed for a while. I’m someone who stuffs my feelings because I don’t like taking them out and parading them around. It’s just not what’s done, but then I have to take a step back and realize the damage if I don’t acknowledge it for what it is, and own what’s been going on.

So there it is. I’ve been depressed, and I have been for awhile.

Approximately three years ago, I, without clear explanation started piling on weight without any significant lifestyle changes. I gained over 100 lbs in a year. I knew some of it was the usual weight that people in happy relationships tend to put on. I also suspected that some of it was because I had gone off several medications, including Metformin and Birth Control that I had been utilizing to control my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

<SIDEBAR> What’s Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), you may ask? In layman’s terms, it’s a disorder that comes with lots of different symptoms, including not having a period and acne, and usually comes with some flavor of metabolic disorder.

There’s really no understanding as to what the underlying cause for this is, but it usually means that a woman has too much testosterone, that more or less throws off the entire endocrine system.

For me it means that I don’t have a regular period, have to work twice as hard to maintain a normal weight, get moody for no explicable reason, and have wide swings of depression. I have a little bit of unwanted hair growth, but I’m pretty lucky in the body hair portion of my life any way. I also have a condition called insulin resistance, which means my body isn’t so open to absorbing insulin, so my body stores it like a champ, preparing us to be the winner on Famine: The Reality Show. This increase in insulin is believed to be the underlying cause to a lot of these issues, along with inflammation. At the end of the day, what PCOS means is that my body is out of whack, out of balance, and makes me hate it with every fiber of my broken ovaries.</SIDEBAR>

Recently, I also discovered that I have a thyroid disorder. Luckily, it was determined not to be an auto-immune disorder, which is positive, but the addition of thyroid issues on top of my PCOS, just means that my body is all manner of out of whack.

Back to my point, I went off the meds I was on because I didn’t like the side effects, and I just straight up didn’t enjoy being on pills.

Birth control was a little more complex than that. I knew I was getting to the age where I wanted to start thinking about future spawn and I had been on birth control for over a decade. I also hated who I was on birth control. Through the years, I’ve tried many different kinds and the only kind that I had any success with was the high estrogen kind, and those have been phased out over the years because of their negative heart side effects.

At first, going off the birth control was positive. It made me not hate everything and everyone, but not adhering to any of my regime, I think threw my body into complete chaos. Prior to this whole thing, I had at one time been able to brag that I had lost over 100 lbs. I didn’t use surgery, drugs, or any sort of radical diet. I exercised, started the regiment that I then quit, and monitored what I ate. It was a huge accomplishment, and having it all back just came crushing down hard on me.

It was a super weird shame spiral that I launched into when this happened. Every time my pants were tighter, I was not only a failure because of my weight, but I was a failure because of everything in my life. There were several things at the time that were not ideal, even if I was in happy new relationship land. But I allowed this to let me get defeated. My new-old body was starting to take over my thoughts in ways that I didn’t expect.

It wasn’t until recently that I considered the fact that I was constantly trying to make decisions around my size.

I didn’t want to go to such and such a place because I was afraid that the seating accommodations would not be sufficient.

I avoid travelling by plane because I’m always worried that I’ll sit next to someone who makes some mean comment about my size.

I worry about how I’m dressed because I’m worried that someone will judge me because my arms are bare, or I’m showing my calves.

I don’t do activities I enjoy like yoga and dance because I’m worried people will judge me.

I don’t like going back to where I grew up because so many of those people were there with me as I went on my weight loss journey before, and now there is no way to hide the fact that I failed miserably.

I started to develop a fear of people watching me eat, because I am concerned someone will come up to me and judge what I’m eating, not knowing any of my backstory or why I am the way I am.

When I hit this realization, I also hit a wall.

Like I stated previously, my two conditions make losing weight an uphill battle that feels completely unwinnable. So instead of launching into a series of healthy lifestyle changes, I slid into complete defeated-ness.

There was no point in trying. There was nothing that was ever going to change. My body was broken, and I hated it. I found myself staring in the mirror imagining what I would do if I were to get some kind of drastic surgery what would I do? Could I carve off my chin? Make my cheeks less puffy? Lipo my arms? If there was a way to cut it all away, would I do it?

The other piece is that even though my boyfriend and I are not in an active place of trying to have a baby, every time there wasn’t one, it felt like a complete slap in the face. Other women seemed to be able to pop out babies no problem, and I was starting to doubt that it was something that could ever happen. Much like weight loss, this thing that I wanted so badly, began to feel so far off.

I floated here for a long time, and this is when the depression started sinking in. I started having such a horrific conversation with myself about my body that I started to disengage from it all together. I know that sounds strange, but that’s the only way I can think to describe it. I didn’t paint my nails. I didn’t put on lotion. I didn’t do anything with my hair. The one thing I did do was buy more and more clothes, because I figured at least if I could cover my body, I could get by.  Even more destructive than just turning off any sort of compassion for myself and my body, I started self medicating with food and booze. I would eat to the point of discomfort night after night. I also started to disengage. I still went out with my friends and made connections, but when I was alone, I was nothing. I didn’t want to leave the couch. I just wanted to watch dumb TV show after dumb TV show, or play the same familiar video game over and over. It gave me a place to lose myself, and I could just be numb to the self-loathing that was threatening to explode.

This unfortunately is not new behavior for me.

When I was in college, I had found a similar way to self-medicate. At the time, psychologists weren’t accepting that Binge Eating Disorder was a thing. It existed on the fringes of that world, but when I asked my college therapist about it, they brushed me off and said I just needed to learn some self-control. However, as I felt myself doing this, I felt the familiarity wash over me. I had been here before. I had eaten and drank myself sick, and it hadn’t helped me then either.

What helped me was getting help…It was stepping out of my hole…It was accepting my diagnoses, the medical treatments that were available to them, and participating in my recovery. Wallowing didn’t get me anywhere, except 100 lbs fatter with no period to speak of for years, and the inexplicable urge to cry any time I was feeling an emotion of any time.

I at no point have been suicidal, but where I’ve been instead is a plane of nothingness. I resigned myself to my brokenness and my inability to do anything about it, and for a brief moment, I gave up.

As I started to give up, to release the reigns on everything that makes my life pretty okay, I started to feel that fear. There was still so much I wanted to do with my life. There was still much I had left to do. Except now I was left with this broken body that had been ill-taken care of for almost three years. I had new aches and pains, and everything that I had once fought for, seemed so impossible to attain again.

As I thought about this, and started to fall back into hopelessness again, it occurred to me that there were things that I could be doing that I wasn’t doing, and those things included taking my medicines.

I went in to get my annual woman-ly exam and have my blood tests drawn. As I was sitting there in anticipation, I had talked myself into a million different things. I thought I might have cancer or have finally developed diabetes, as is the fate of so many with PCOS. I was afraid my cholesterol and blood sugar had escaped the normal ranges under my watch, and that because I had been neglectful and adopted flawed coping mechanisms; my life was going to be even worse.

Even with this fear on my tailwind, I had resolved myself to doing whatever I needed to do. I was determined to work my way through this no matter what came.

When the results came back, they were far better than I expected. The PCOS diagnosis still existed, and now there was a thyroid issue on top of it, but everything else was good. Blood sugar was within the normal range, as was cholesterol, blood pressure, etc.…The only other issue was a pretty severe Vitamin D deficiency. All that was wrong were these three *treatable* issues. It gave me more hope than I had felt in a long time, and it reminded me that it has been a very long time since I have taken care of me.

So while I can see the depression clearly now for what it was, and what it is, I am once again seeing that light at the end of the tunnel. My burden is still heavy, and it still is weighing me down, but it feels livable for the first time in the long time.

As of this writing, I am on three different meds and Vitamin D supplements. I am taking 1000 mg of Metfomin, Spirolactone, Armour Thyroid, and 10,000 IU of Vitamin D a day. I am already feeling more like a human, and I’ve already seen the scale decrease 9 lbs. 9 lbs is a drop in the bucket for what I have to lose to get healthy, but I’m trying to get less off the numbers and more on the feeling. I’ll know that I’m healed and okay when some of the fears I mentioned stop directing my life and stop getting in the way of what I want to accomplish.

I’m trying to start a yoga habit and I need to start going to the gym and doing weight lifting, I just haven’t yet.

I guess that’s part of why I’m writing this though. I want to say these things and acknowledge them. I wanted to take them out and look at them and remember why I have to stay the course. This isn’t an easy path, and it won’t just happen. It’s absolutely something I have to put effort into every day.

But for now, I feel as though the black clouds have cleared and things are seeming a little brighter. While the task at hand is large, it’s not insurmountable. I wish when you were headed towards depression, there were big flashing lights, but there never are. It’s just a gradual sort of slip and you don’t even realize you’ve been there until you wake up and look around.
And when I look around, what I see is thing after thing to be grateful for. There are people who stuck by me through some truly ugly times, and I’m hoping that as the clouds start to clear, I can begin to be the person I want to be.
I hope that I can find a way for me to face my fears, push past them, and be the person I know I can be.
I’m the only one standing in my way, and at least today, right now, I am over it.
So to that sticky, dark feeling, at the pit of my stomach…
You don’t serve me.
You certainly don’t own me.
So to you I say, Bye Felicia. 



So I just have to rave for a moment, that we’ve been trying this service, Sunbasket..and I am absolutely in love.

Sunbasket is one of the many food delivery services that have cropped up. I haven’t tried any of the other ones, so I have no idea how Sunbasket compares. I will say that their food selections are a little off the beaten path, but not in such a way that it’s turned me off. Not every  meal has been a complete hit, but almost all of them have been an adventure and I’ve learned a few tips and tricks in the kitchen that I was unaware of before!

Here’s what Sunbasket promises, “Organic and non-GMO ingredients & delicious recipes delivered weekly. Gluten-Free, Paleo, & Vegetarian options.” I usually get two paleo options and one vegetarian option, but that’s more a matter of preference than out of any specific need.

It’s made a complete difference in how often we cook at home, and more often than not, I’m excited to get home and get started on the meal.

It is also nice because they provide you a recipe card with every meal, so if you ever want to duplicate a meal in the future, you’re able to. So far, the ingredients have all been pretty normal. There have been a few things that I’d have to go out of my way to replicate, but it wouldn’t be nigh impossible if that were the case.

Here’s a sampling of the dishes we’ve made so far:


Identified in order:

  1. Moroccan chicken wings with bok choy, carrots, cashew, and radish slaw with a sesame dressing
  2. Pork loin with roasted grapes and pear and chicory salad
  3. Roasted chicken with kale, sweet potatoes, and artichoke romesco
  4. Steaks with broccoli rabe and radish butter (chutney? LOL)
  5. Lemongrass and coriander crusted pork with Asian greens

So yummy!!

Did I do this post just so I could share food porn with the world? Absolutely. Did I also do this post because I want to share how happy this service makes my heart? Also absolutely.🙂

Once Upon a Time Emily Dickinson…


I’m not saying this is a *good* thing I’ve written…I’m saying it’s a thing I’ve written.

Did anyone else have a super awkward DeviantArt phase?

I, for one, am super grateful that Facebook was not a thing when I was a teenager.

Oh, the bad poetry that my followers would have had to endure!

I share, not because it’s good, but sometimes it’s interesting to look back from where we came from and remember that we used to do things that we may not do anymore.

So below, I present…

Once Upon a Time Emily Dickinson

(I was also in a super awkward title phase inspired by listening to too much Fall Out Boy and Panic! At the Disco…Also, I think it’s only Emily Dickinson because it’s kind of dark and capitalizes wantonly with no regard for standard grammatical practices.)


The maiden in Black
Knows nothing of the sun.
Her world is a winding road
Of colorless despair
And rain.
A desolate valley of shadows….
Her eyes have never stopped leaking
Her mouth has never
Its expression
Only twists and pouts
Lips drawn into thin lines
He watches from below
Why does a young girl
Take on this visage
Of Horror?
She is the epitome of Darkness
And she is the love of
Its Lord.
The Light disturbs her
It is her reminder
That she is Dark
And she doesn’t understand it
For Light is the absence of none
And Dark is the presence of all.
Her rhythm beats slow
An ancient heart.
Death visits her
Every night
Cloaked in the Moon and the Stars.
Who knew that Death could love?
Death steals her soul
Piece by piece
She becomes his
But she is not forced
For she is Willing.
Bit by bit
Becoming as black
As day and the clouded Midnight Sky
All innocent Light is stripped
A Fallen Angel becomes her
Content where she lay.
Her eyes know nothing
Of rainbows
Her feet know nothing
Of sand.
Her soul knows nothing
Of pastel, soft shades.
Death will be her only visitor.
He has taught her well.
She will cherish his love above all
And know nothing
Beyond her world.
The maiden in Black
Shrouds her eyes
And covers her head
To the cascade of Life
That bypasses her.
One day she might Die
All over again
And real Love.
A cold night that will be
In Death’s lonely bed…

Nonsense and Shenanigans…


I’ve had this blog for awhile, but I haven’t done much with. I’m going to try and change it in this year of promise, of new-newness. I figured I’d start by making a few introductions…

This is me(drawing to scale):



My eyebrow game needs work, but my braid game is fierce 


I turned 30 awhile ago, and I didn’t appreciate it one bit. I’m a nonprofit professional, which mostly means that I do things with numbers and people pretend to be impressed. My favorite color is pink and my favorite drink is coffee. I thought for a brief moment in my 20s that I wanted to be an alcoholic, but then I realized that coffee has the same effect without the social stigma.

I have a lot of opinions on a lot of things, but if I tell you everything now, you’ll have no reason to read later.

I fancy myself wise in some areas, and a complete clueless asshole in others. I’m a grade A hermit and I like to do hermit-y things. I enjoy reading, writing, video games, and brewing alchemical potions that may one day bring life to the dead.

This here is my Woopsies.


We’ve been hanging out for almost four years now.

My mom asked me yesterday how was it that we still get along?  I was a little surprised by the question, but I guess in her experience, four years is around the time you start getting really annoyed at each other. My best guess is that we still get along because of our mutual love of pizza, Bioware games, crushing each other in board games, and being crazy cat ladies.

Speaking of, we have two wonderful cats, which are depicted below:


The black one is the youngest. His name is Leonard Tuvok Spock. Don’t ask me how a cat got named after a Vulcan. He picked it. He is burdened with glorious purpose and gifted with magic. He has significantly more energy than our girl cat Tribbles. This sometimes leads to nonsense.


Sadly for Lenny, Tribbles never really wants to be a wizard. She is occasionally intrigued by dice, but only from afar. It’s tough being a Vulcan Kitty in an Orc Kitty’s world.

Oh yeah. I like orcs. Like a lot. Way more than any one person has a right to.